Seeing the Forest through the Trees

When I sat down to write this blog, I actually forgot it was Women’s History Month. I am not sure why I blanked on it but with everything going on in the world, it just slipped my mind. I guess that is a bit indicative of celebrations on women’s accomplishments. They are pushed to the side by other events. Not to diminish the horrible events going on right now.

I recently started reading Bad Feminist by Roxanne Gay. This is the first of her books I have read and I must say it feels like she is writing the book to me. I have always considered myself a feminist but in the small “f” not the capital “F”. I donate and march for Planned Parenthood, I donate to a local women’s shelter, I coach and mentor women. I was never sure why the word Feminist became such a four-letter word but Ms. Gay lays out a compelling argument. Her premise on why she identified more with feminist versus Feminist was because of the pedestals we put leaders on. Movements get convoluted with celebrities and since we are flawed, ultimately those movements become flawed. To be a bad feminist also means that while you support women equality, you also enjoy the occasional blonde joke (Disclaimer: I was a natural blonde before the grey), or prefer the campy, sexist James Bond movies of Sean Connery and Pierce Bronson to the overly serious Daniel Craig. The noise of who is right or who is more of a purist loses sight of the forest and only focuses on the trees. What if we ignored the tree roots in that path before us and instead helped each other out of this forest?

I admit it seems fairly naïve. Women have been fighting for equality for so long that they now fight each other. Far too long women have been the “lesser” sex, deemed too hysterical or emotional to have a seat at the table, proclaimed unable to have the intelligence for business. In the United States, we were only granted the right to vote 100 years ago. It was not until 1971 that women could even have a credit card in her name. When the power structure becomes threatened, the first thing to be attacked is women’s rights. Her right to have a voice over her body. Her right to decide on anything. It is enough to make a woman truly hysterical.

About 6 years ago, I went to a women’s conference in San Jose, CA. It was full of smart and dedicated women. The lineup of speakers was impressive – Jill Abramson, Diane von Furstenberg, and Secretary of State, and soon to be Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton. The conference fired me up on the injustices women in business were going through and the double standards put upon us. I remember calling my boyfriend (now husband) and ranting on the wrongness of it all as I drove back to Sacramento from San Jose. At the end of the conversation as I drove into town was the challenge – what was I going to do about it?

What was I? What could I? There are so many trees in this bloody forest. I started to take stock of my own career and where other women helped or hurt me. Frankly, it was not a pretty picture at times. The times where I was diminished as a leader or had my expertise called into question were mainly due to other women. I was called too assertive. Too interested in my own brand. Too focused or too driven. I was not warm or friendly enough. I didn’t say good morning when I came into the office. (Fun fact: I am not a morning person. I don’t even say good morning to my husband. I need my coffee and time to have my brain wake up.) Women have been raised that my success means someone else’s failure. We have been sold on the scarcity mindset that only a few of us can reach the top.

I have worked in male dominated fields for my career, first IT then healthcare. I dare you to find a set of more misogynistic men then coders or doctors. Even so, how many times have I said I would rather work with a bunch of men then an office of other women? Women tend to be rather unpleasant to each other far too often. Too emotional. See what I did there – I just perpetuated the same crap men say about us. Yep, I’m a bad feminist. Thanks Ms. Gay.

My choices going forward were to let the world win or do something. Never one to sit quietly, I decided to do something. First, I decided to stop giving free rent to those naysayers in my head and let them destroy my confidence. I am assertive. I do focus on my brand. It is my reputation as a leader. I am driven. These are traits we laude on men. I decided it was time I was going to take them as well.

That decision was not without consequences or second-guessing. Again, I ran into individuals who were threatened or who did not like me holding them accountable. I found myself in a highly toxic environment. One so toxic that I had no idea how bad I was burned by it until it was out of my life. Even though I told myself I was going to do these strong, leadership things, I still backtracked on my own accountability. I looked back and wondered why that was and resolved that it was time to make systematic changes.

How to find that path through the Forest:

1) Accept who you are: Stop getting on the hamster wheel of imposter syndrome and self-doubt. You are have made it to a leadership position. Clearly, you know how to get things done. Do you know everything? Of course not. Are you perfect? Not in the least. Nevertheless, you chose this path to do something meaningful. Staying focused on that and who you are, will lead you out of the forest. Be sure though to give yourself some grace though if you do get back on the wheel. You made it off once, you can again.

2) Build a community: Over the last few years, I have built up a community that has been a lifesaver at times. You need to find that group where you can be yourself and not judged, yet held accountable and told that yes, YTA. There was an article in the Washington Post about an upcoming book called Girl Squads. The Post’s article focused on five of those friendships. They ran the gambit from painters to activist/politician to entertainers supporting each other breaking down barriers. You need that support to help you overcome your own obstacles. You also need that group to laugh with at the absurdity of it all.

In that community, you also need strong male allies. Trust me there are men who are not fans of the patriarchy either. Once you find your community, you do not take it for granted. It is like anything else, you must give it the respect and attention it deserves.

3) Find a coach or mentor: Throughout my career, I have had few women mentors. Again, scarcity mentality is not just a concept for nonprofits. The few mentors I had, had a profound effect on me. Mentors are about providing advice and guidance as you walk down that path. Coaches are there to help you even find that path. I recently invested in my own professional coach. She has helped me clarify my thoughts, chart my course, and hold me accountable in my journey.

Being a woman leader is messy work. The day-to-day operations can be overwhelming, to the extent that we stop paying attention to the details around us. In diplomacy, there is the idea of a citizen diplomat. This means that by being intentional when interacting with individuals from a different country you have a greater influence on local, national, and international relations. People find common ground. It is not any different in this context. What matters is not the P&L. It is about the relationships built, making room for others, and the women coming up behind us. It is about walking over those tree roots and seeing the forest as a whole.

There is room for all of us in this month about women’s history so much so that a month will no longer hold all of the celebrations of success. Here is to the Women’s Century.

Photo: Copyright by KJWPhotos, Muir Woods, 2009