You are never NOT the Executive Director…

It was the best advice and the worst advice. When I asked my predecessor for words of advice as I was about to assume my first ED role, this is what they said. It is a sad but true statement on what it means to become an ED/CEO of a nonprofit.

When I was younger, I got my Masters in Public Service at DePaul University in Chicago. At the time, I was working for a large corporation whose culture was not what I wanted. The program was brand new and one of the first that focused on nonprofit management. It was a combination of a MBA with a heavy concentration in benefit and needs analysis. It focused on the fundamental how’s to run an organization but what it lacked was the emphasis on the who’s – who you were, who was the board, who were your stakeholders and how do they all work together.

I thought I had this down when I started. I spent years working with clients and volunteers. I had also worked with boards but in other capacities. I thought I knew all that I needed to know. Boy was I wrong. What they do not tell you about leading a nonprofit is exactly what my advice was – you are never not the executive director. You are always thinking about the organization. Worrying about finances. Strategizing with your board. Dealing with staff or volunteer issues. Managing donor expectations. Taking care of IT or the audit or whatever. And when you are the "face" of the organization, it is even worse. Everywhere you go, you are associated with the job and not you.

That first year was an eye opener. I stumbled a lot. It is not a matter of work life balance. It is a matter of balancing everything. You have to focus on fundraising so the organization keeps running. You cannot tell the staff there are money issues or else they will panic. But, you need to be transparent about why you are never in the office and at another event or meeting. You have volunteers that need attention and acknowledgment for their service AND you have staff that need the same thing. If you are in a smaller community, you want to go out and enjoy yourself with friends, but you need to watch yourself. There is no anonymity. You have a board that is your boss but their level of expertise on organizational matters can either be a hinder or help (this will be the topic of many blogs). How are you supposed to manage it all? How do you step away from being the ED and just be you?

What does every other blog, article, podcast say is that silver bullet, that panacea of serenity, the end all be all to finding that balance? Boundaries. Yep, that is it. So easy. So simple. Just like one of those TV ads ‘If you put in boundaries, you too can have a life!’ Only it is not simple. Boundaries are the guideposts in which you operate. They are the lines that help you keep unwanted, unnecessary or unintended interruptions at bay. They are the standards you can either raise or lower towards acceptable behavior. In order for boundaries to be that panacea, you need to have the self-awareness about your own personal foundation. That means, before you can say no or not now or yes, you need to do the work on what you are willing to tolerate or not. Once you know your tolerations, then you can begin to establish those boundaries.

To give you an example of something I used to tolerate but no longer do involves board relationships. The nonprofit governance structure with boards is a broken model. There is much that needs to be changed but one of the biggest is the power dynamic. As an ED/CEO, you work for the mission and the organization. The board are the stewards of that mission and therefore are your boss. You could have anywhere from 5-25 (or more) bosses. Each of those bosses bring their own levels of sophistication in nonprofit governance and more importantly, their own agendas in joining said board. Because you have multiple bosses, you try to become more efficient in your partnership by working more closely with the executive committee and the chair in particular. This can be a smart move. It creates a structure of communication and some boundaries are de-facto created on your time. The problem can arise with this model when you have a board member or two who have their own agenda, are working on making a name for themselves in the field and feel left out of this power structure. They believe that in order to show their dominance over you as the ED, they need to exhibit behaviors that are passive or straight up aggressive. In the past, I have tolerated it. I have kept my mouth shut because they were my boss and that is what you did. But funny how you reach a point where you realize that no, you do not have to stay quiet.

I had a situation with a member who became quite belligerent on something during a board meeting. There was an error on the staff side, which we owned, but it was not enough. He wanted to belittle. The formal board meeting was not the place to confront it. After the meeting, in a more private conversation with my chair, I addressed it. I challenged the lack of respect shown, the aggressiveness in his actions, and the impact it had on the staff at the meeting. It was a tough conversation. I needed to advocate for both my staff and me. I was calm but steadfast on my resolve. This was unacceptable behavior and could potentially damage the relationship beyond repair. As chair, they have a duty of care, which means they must ensure the organization is safe. That safety also involves the board. If a member is behaving in a way that makes staff feel unsafe and wish to quit, then they need to act on the situation. After my conversation, action was taken. The situation resolved and the relationship repaired.

In this instance, after years of being an ED and having the confidence in my own abilities, I realized that I no longer needed to tolerate bad behavior from a board member. My toleration for political power plays has decreased substantially. My boundaries around respect of my staff and myself, tightened.

How do you identify your tolerations? How do you set your boundaries?

1) The first step in identifying what you will put up with or not, involves some soul-searching and self-work. This is the internal process. There are tools and assessments out there that can help you determine these. There are executive coaches, such as myself, who will work with you on the process. Tolerations can be something as simple as putting up with (or not) your partner putting dirty dishes in the sink rather than the dishwasher or they can be more complex like enduring sexism and micro-aggressions. It takes time to work through the identification process. You are constantly reviewing, revising, and narrowing down to the most critical tolerations.

2) Once you have identified those things that you are willing to tolerate or not, then comes the work. Now you must take that internal knowledge and decided what to do with it. With that list, you draw out your boundaries. Where are those guideposts? What are you willing to adjust? What are absolutely no starters? Start small. No, to being Facebook friends with your board members. Yes, to an open door policy with your volunteers and staff. No, to going to 5 evening events a week. Yes, to relaxing every so often and having a drink with your team.

3) Now that you have your diagram, it is time to put it into action and stick to it. You have done the hard work. You need to be an advocate for yourself here. Whenever your fall down on your boundaries you are giving permission for others to push on them further. If you do not stay strong, you will lower your standards until they become nonexistent. However, you are not in this alone. This is where your community comes into play. They help hold you accountable. They are there to work through the issues that come up and support you as you learn to use your voice.

Is it possible to not be an ED all the time? Mostly yes. There will be times though when you just need to own who you are. You are the ED/CEO for a reason so you need to shoulder the burden of running a business. There are somethings only you can do. However, that does not mean you have to do it all. It also does not mean that you cannot take a break from it. Through understanding your own personal tolerations, you can create boundaries that will help you take those breaks. And with the help of a supportive community that holds you accountable, you learn to use your voice so that illusive balance can be achieved.

Photo: Copyright by KJWPhotos, Botswana Giraffe, 2001